ECHOES

Listen to their hearts' cry, it may echo your own.

INNER THOUGHTS

Working away from home i often joked about escaping diaper change and midnight feedings, maybe I just don't want to linger on the thought of how it tears a little hole in my heart to leave behind those angels. I often acted strong and unaffected by their sad faces everytime I am leaving, I tell funny stories that make them laugh, i want to keep the ring of their laughter and giggles in my heart.

I always keep my distance even i am with them, it is to protect my self from the pain and physical longing for them when i am away. I keep a stern personality on them, and held back all emotions so they will not miss me too much. I always sheid away with these thoughts, i drowned myself with work and anything that could keep my mind occupied. However, in the middle of the night i would often wake up with the thoughts i always avoided. Their cries, excited voices and cute stories kept ringing in my ears. My heart is crying and i can not just dismiss the ache and physical longing for them, as if a tether bound me surely as any umbilical cord, a sharing of emotions for the five of us. I asked many times how i was able to live away from them, and i looked back at my life and their faces keep flashing in my mind, i saw my dreams for them and knew i cant give that all, if i stay.
I can give them all the love but not the future we dreamed for them.

They are still too young to fully understand the circumstances, but in time i know they will.


INNER VOICES:

It is such a wonderful place with flowers of all colors in blooms, my insatiable passion for nature is filled, its a wonderful treat for anybody's eyes. My childlike spirit was freed.

I was so engrossed chasing butterflies and was oblivious that i was drifting away from everyone. I wanted to catch it so i kept following where it fly. It moves so swift that i cant get a better chance i always a step behind. I was tired of running so i looked around and realized i was all alone. I looked around but there was nobody in sight except those endless flower fields. I retraced my steps but i always ended up on the same place. I was trapped in a maze and i find it difficult to get out. Panic was eating me up and i started to call out names but my voice just bounces back to me. I was too tired and starving so i decided to sit and tried to gather my thoughts so I could figure out which way will lead me out.

I may have doze off and dream, i heard voices familiar to me but i cant distinguish who is saying what. There are angry, encouraging, happy and loving, they are talking altogether at the same time that it confuses me.

I bring my self to wake up, only to realize that i was really dreaming. I was alone because i chose to lead that life and shut myself away from those who care for me, and the voices that nags me is deep with in my heart.

FEAR:


Your eyes is boring into my soul,

You wanted to tell me something but i refused to understand,

You extended your hand but i dont want to reach out,

You wanted to talk to me but i pretended not to hear,

You tried to seek my attention but i tried to be occupied.

I dont want to look into your eyes because i am scared to see that there is nothing left for me.

I dont want to listen because i am scared that i will understand your reason.

I dont want to give my attention because i am scared to get used to it.

I dont want to reach out because i am scared you will let my hand go.

I dont want to dream anymore because i am afraid to fail.

I dont want to open up to anyone because i am scared to be neglected,

I dont want to trust because i was betrayed badly that it shattered my confidence.


Fear, just a four letter word, but it can do much damage to you and me.